kick the bastards out, republican or democrat!

if you don't think that we, the people, are NOT represented in congress let me give you this little tidbit of information. when the senators were being asked to okay the invasion of iraq in 2003 they were given a 92 page briefing paper that did contain many caveats towards the end of the paper. caveats like "there is no evidence to back this claim", "sources has proven to be unreliable in the past", "others give totally opposite view" "this claim has proven to be false." things like that. you know how many of OUR senators read the entire 92 page (not 920 pages, but only 92, which isn't a lot)? SIX! (some say NINE but let us not quibble..less than ten). that means that either 44 or 41 of our representatives in the senate agreed to start a fucking war without knowing the reasons and the evidence behind the reasons!!!!!! un-fucking-believeable!

if this doesn't piss you off, what will? whether you are or were for or against the war, knowing that your senator did not even fucking bother to read the briefing paper how could you in good consciouness ever even think about voting for them again. sending our young men and women off to kill and die without examing the reasons for doing so. it makes me sick. democrat or republican, if you didn't read that i am going to do everything i can to see that you are outed for your treachery and outsted from office. i will post the names of those who read it when i get them. and i will post the names of those who didn't.

from bumfuck to genesis to bang was his name

a museum in bumfuck, somewhere (kentucky, i think, but am not quite certain...) shows exhibits that purport to prove that the world was created in 6 days, approx. 6000 years ago, not hundreds of billions of years ago as science and scientists say. the museum says that dinosaurs and humans roamed the world together (i guess we just never noticed them....or, if we did notice them we just didn't want to mention it.) and myths of dragons PROVE that to be true. (damn that carbon dating, what does it know).

of course, the real purpose of the museum is to get people to believe that the KING JAMES ENGLISH VERSION OF THE BIBLE is word for word true....in english, which, as we all know, was not only spoken by christ, being a blond-haired, blue-eyed fellow and all, but was the language that matthew, mark, luke, john, peter, paul, moses, etc. all wrote in. so, if king james, in his version, says the earth was created in 6 days, then six days it was. god, being tired and all, rested on the seventh day. (question: how does an ALMIGHTY GOD get tired?...but i digress.)

the museum will rightly receive much criticism from the scientific community and the press. the problem, as i see it, is that all christians and all people who believe in god are painted with the same brush as these idiots in bumfuck.

yes, i am a christian, though i go to no church. yes, i believe in God, though i profess no religion. i follow (or more accurately put, i try to follow) the teachings of jesus christ as found in the writings of the 4 gospels and the acts of the apostles. i do not read, nor necessarily believe, anything written by paul who was a zealot before he converted and was a zealot afterwards. i take the gospels as they were written in GREEK not in english. and friends, it reads a lot different in greek than it does in modern day english. for one quick example, because this is not a defense of christianity, nor a lesson in new testament philosophy, but a little epistle, if you would, on genesis, but anyway back to the greek. in the new testament, christ uses the word, (in english, that is) "father" a lot. the greek word, in my opinion, should have been translated as SOURCE. and, incidently, the word, 'heaven' means expanding everywhere. which would make the beginning of the LORD'S PRAYER, "our source, which art expanding everywhere" instead of "our father which art in heaven" the former presents a concept of god while the latter presents a picture of some white haired fellow off somewhere else. and that is a big fucking diffence. but the subject of this is GENESIS.

let us use PERIOD OF TIME instead of DAY when we look at genesis. what i would like to ask is this: how did a illiterate, nomadic tribe, wandering the desert, being enslaved by various invading armies along the way, manage to know things that modern science did not know until the 20th century some 5,000 years AFTER THE FIRST WRITERS OF THE BIBLE KNEW THEM??? and not only know them but write them down? what do i mean? genesis 1:2 says in english: and the earth was without form and void. scientists tell us the world was without form and void. genis 1:2 also says "god moved upon the face of the waters. scientists tell us that at one time the whole surface of the earth was water. genesis 1:6 "let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters and let it divide the waters from the waters. science tells us that the land masses rose out of the original waters to form the continents, islands etc. then, still in the first parts of genesis, we have plants growing on the earth BEFORE the animals get there. and genisis 1:20 says, "let the WATERS BRING FORTH ABUNDANTLY THE MOVING CREATURE THAT HATH LIFE.

now, my friends, modern day science did not know until the 20th century that the earth originally was covered with water and also did not know until the 17th century that life first started in the oceans. they did not know that plants were here before the animals. how did the ancient jews know these things? no other civilization ever has had that knowledge nor had those kinds of myths. how could those ancient jews know the sequence of scientific explanations of how the earth as we know it came to be? did they just happen to make up a myth that was right?

i think they were inspired in some way. i think some of the ancients had knowledge that has been lost to us. not only the mysticism of the torah but the texts of the hindus, the teachings of buddah, the writings of tao, shintoism and the shamans of the dakota sioux know some things that we moderns with all our technology do not know. but my beliefs are mine and each must come to their own on their own. i will tell you this, new understandings, new insights, enlightment, if you will, all start with the questioning of previously held, but not thoroughly examined, positions and beliefs. one's philosophy of life should, in my opinion, be a continuing study, lasting all life long.

so what do you believe in? the BIG BANG theory? let me see if i have the big bang theory...

once upon a time, a long, long time ago, there was NOTHING anywhere except for this little speck of dust. (never mind the obvious question of where did the speck of dust come from) and then one day, the speck of dust BLEW UP! (and never mind the obvious question of just how did it blow up and what CAUSED IT TO BLOW UP) and you know how specks of dust are prone to doing that blowing up thing. and everything that ever was, is and shall be was condensed in that little speck of dust and the 100 million billion galaxies each containing 100 million billion stars that are all spinning in this giant choreographed dance of the heavens just all came together by total accident. that, in short, is the big bang theory of how we got here. the all time lucky shot.

i think people have just given a new name to God. they are calling him BANG. well, BIG BANG to differentiate him from lesser BANGS. and maybe they are right. translation is a real problem when you are examining the ancient writings and we could have gotten a lot wrong.

maybe John 1:1 really said "in the beginning was the word and the word was BANG.'

maybe mohammed said, "there is only one God, and BANG is his name."

maybe the ancient word that the hindus chant is not OMMM but BANGGGGG.

maybe

but then again, maybe not.

maybe sometime i will tell you how i learned to leave my body and what i learned by doing so.

but then again, maybe i won't.

you wouldn't believe me anyway.

because you know it can't be done.

because you have never done it.

but then again, you never tried.

but those beliefs that you hold must be valid
because it is you, infallible, who hold them.

beliefs are shattered
philosophy up in smoke
virgil and dante quoted
the great cosmic joke

the ancient egyptians believed only the lighthearted were worthy of immortality.

when one died, the heart was placed on a scale and on the other side of the scale was a feather.
if the heart weighed more than the feather; no entrance to the afterlife for you.

the great cosmic joke was on you
and you didn't get it.

nighty night.

poker,popes and plots

my winning streak came to halt yesterday but i only lost 120 dollars, which is, i might add, the amount i always buy in for....in a 1-2 no limit game, the max buy in is 200 and minimum is 100. i use the 120 figure because it gives me enough ammo, but at the same time, limits my possible loss to that figure. since most of my wins are more than that, any given loss is less than most wins and that is a psychological advantage to my mind set.

for those of you who asked about the books on the kennedy assassination may i recommend CROSSFIRE THE PLOT THAT KILLED KENNEDY. author is jim marrs. this book is the one that oliver stone used as a reference and draws from many of the other published works.

pope benedict XVI obviously is either
a. an idiot,
b. a historical revisionist or
c. a calculating liar and propogandist.

his remarks that the native peoples of south america were "silently longing for christ and were seeking god without knowing it" giving that as an excuse for the mass murders, dare i say 'genocide' , of millions of south, central and north american indians is beyond comprehension. that is the same kind of thinking behind our invasion of iraq and the killing (murder?) of hundreds of thousands of iraqi civilians. remember "they will be throwing roses at the feet of our soldiers" comments by bush and cheney? the iraqis were secretly longing to be blown up by american bombs in shock and awe.

the world has gone mad.
i'm going to go play poker.

it's a beautiful day in vegas, baby.

i think some tourists are secretly longing to give me their money.

poker and lessons of life

have been playing poker to make some money since neither rhonda nor i are working. i have only been able to play for the last two weeks and have been playing 2-4 hours per day but have made over 1600 dollars during that time. i am playing a 200 dollar buy-in no limit game at mandalay bay. over the years i have always been a limit player and have made steady money at that. but no limit is the game, not only of the now but of the future and i have set out to master it as well.

most people, contrary to what they will tell you, are losing poker players mainly because they make a common and costly mistake: they try to win. they want to win. they dream about winning. by going at it this way, they almost insure they will lose. doesn't make sense? let me explain: instead of trying to "win" what i concentrate on is "playing well" and avoiding stupid mistakes and then let the chips fall where they may, so to speak. as in life, it is doing the right thing for the right motive. another example of this philosophy is: when i got into comedy, it was not to be a star, nor to be on tv, nor to make a lot of money; it was to be a good comic, to be funny, to be an artist of the comedy stage, to do what i do--well. not to be funnier than someone else, not to get "ahead", not for ego's sake, but for the sake of making people laugh.

competitiveness will set you back in life. (actually, the word, 'compete' comes from a latin word that means "to bring together.") when you are competing against another person you are overlooking your real 'enemy' which is yourself. concentrate, instead, on being the best YOU can be and forget about how other people are doing. you are only responsible for your own actions in life. (you are responsible for the actions of your children up to a certain point but that is another post.)

wanting to be YOUR best is a main ingredient of "doing well" regardless of what it is you are "doing." another ingredient is enthusiasm, which comes from the greek, en theos. the ancient greeks believed when a person displayed what we now call enthusiasm for something they did it well, so they believed there was a small god within that person that was awakened by this feeling; hence the en theos or GOD WITHIN. i love comedy and i love poker. i am enthusiastic about both. my time on stage is one of the best times of my life. i feel at home at a poker table and enjoy it immensely.

back to poker: for those of you who enjoy the game and would like to have discussions with me about it either write me at the hrshock address on this web site or you can post comments on this blog whenever i do write about the all american game of texas hold-em poker and i will give you my thoughts. what i think about poker is not dogma it is just my thoughts, be they as they will. over the next couple of posts, i will describe some hands and how i played them. for instance, yesterday i made a horrible mistake that ended up making me hundreds of dollars and i will detail that hand on my next post. in the meantime, may all your flops be good.

a rant. mad as hell

another new high for gasoline prices. oil companies making largest profits in history. bush and cheney both oil men. how much does it take for the american public to get mad? are we such a nation of wimps that we will take it up the ass without even a kiss?

yesterday some iraqis stoned a teenage girl for having an affair outside her "faith". she died a horrible death. this, apparently and according to the daily press, is fairly common in iraq. these are the people for whom we are sacrificing american lives and american treasury? the iraqi government, taking their cue from king george, have gone a 2 month VACATION while we are pouring more troops into that shithole of a country. (king george has taken 400 vacation days so far. all the while telling us that we are in a state of war and that he is the commander in chief.) what does it take for the american people to get mad?

to think that some people still support george w. bush is almost beyond my belief. if you are one of those people it seems to me that you must either a. be insane, b. be totally delusional, c. be totally unaware, d. be evil in your heart, e. be so afraid that you are no longer thinking straight, f. all of the above. i am getting to the end of my rope with bush and his gang that can't shoot straight. the attorney general is a sneaky bastard who has no respect for the law. (if you haven't read about his late night venture to get ashcroft to sign off on the illegal wire-tapping you must be a republican). cheney is so mean spirited that satan himself is impressed. bush is a swaggering, sneering, lying moron who cares more for his corporate buddies than he does for the american people. what does it take for the american people to get mad?

if you are mad, tell people. if you are fed up, tell someone. shout it from the roof-tops. quit being a sheep. get involved. find a canidate other than a republican to support and then do so. (the people running for the republican nomination, the ten dwarfs of the right, would just continue bush's policies because they are beholden to the same supporters) become a democrat, become a libertarian, become a socialist, become something other than a war-mongering, price gouging, fear-promoting, pseudo-christian, corporate-cocksucking whore of a republican.

posts such as this will probably cost me some gigs. but not to say something when i have a chance to do so would be unpatriotic on my part. while my act is not political, (i can't seem to make a joke out of such tragedy) i do have thousands upon thousands of fans who read this. i would also dare say that practically none of my fans are hard core repulicans.

republicans, those who believed the original republican ideas and ideals of smaller government and non-meddling in foriegn affairs, have been duped as well. bush is not what he told you he was. he lied to you. he has highjacked the republican party and sold it out to the oil companies, the military industrial complex and the so-called christian right (who are neither christian nor right). he has taken your party and sold it. what does it take to make you mad? what does it take for you to take back your own ideas and ideals?

who is going to be the canidate that i support in 08? i don't know but i will vote for a yellow dog before i vote for a republican.

old mysteries and new dogs

for those of you who wanted titles of books on the kennedy assassination i will post them later. i have almost every one that has been published but they are all boxed up right now since we are putting in new wood floors and had to dismantle my floor to ceiling bookcase in order to move it. so...but one whose title i remember is RUSH TO JUDGEMENT by MARK LANE. it was the very first one out and it comes at it from the position that lee harvey oswald was not given a defense at the warren commission's hearings so he acts as defense attorney and raises so many questions that it started me on my quest to find out as much as i could about that terrible day.

on lighter note, we got a new dog yesterday so maverick could have a playmate so as to keep him from being bored. our last surviving dog from my pack that i had in california, marcus, the shepard, who is about 16 years old is on his very last legs and will die any day now. he is not in pain but can barely walk and sometimes i have to help him in and out of the door to go do his business. i made a sling that i put around his mid section and with this i can keep him on his feet. it is very sad but he has lived a long and full life and has never missed a meal, nor slept outdoors since he showed up at the shock place back in '93 when he looked to be about 2 at that time.

our new puppy is an all american mutt about 3 months old that we got from a rescue place. we have named her "Annie Duke Dog" after the famous female poker player. when we brought her home, maverick was not friendly towards her and rhonda was sure that he was going to kill her. (maverick and i got attacked by a pit bull a week ago on our evening walk and hence maverick is not too fond of new dogs. incidently, maverick won that particular fight or more accurately, he and i won that fight. maverick got the pb on the head before he could get a grip and i kicked that fucking dog so hard in the side that it sent him about three feet back and before he could charge again his owners ran out and grabbed him) so, when this puppy shows up at the front door with me and rhonda, maverick was quite pissed. rhonda was freaked, but i told her that it would be okay. i put mav on his choke leash and let the puppy loose in the house and whenever maverick would start to go for her i would jerk him back and talk to him. within two hours they were the best of friends and have been playing non stop ever since. annie dog will be about a 60-70 lb dog and is full of vim and vigor and will make a great companion for the dane.

while my wife is a brilliant woman and knows far more than i on many different subjects...when it comes to dogs, i am the authority. i have great faith in their inherent goodness (with the exception of pit bulls who have been so fucked by their breeding that now i feel that breed should be outlawed and let to die out. it is not the dog's fault but the fault of small minded people who wanted a "killer dog" to compensate for their own insecurities and small dicks. pit bulls are the jacked up pickup truck of the dog world. they, like their owners, are for the most part, stupid and mean.) dogs are very gentle with puppies, maverick was literally raised by my doberman, moredog, who was so amazingly soft with him and would wrap his paws around that puppy and hold him almost human like. he would lay on his back and let that rambuctious puppy leap on him. maverick now does the same. i have said this before, but will say it again, i prefer the company of dogs to the company of most humans. once a dog is your friend, he will never fuck you; can't say that about a lot of humans now can you?

back to the kennedy assassination for a moment; in last month's issue of VANITY FAIR, there was an article by E. HOWARD HUNT'S son who claimed that his dad told him before he died that he was, indeed, in dallas on that day and had participated in the killing but had not actually fired the shots. he named names and gave details. i must admit that i took the story with a grain of salt because the kid could just be trying to make some money. on the other hand, hunt's name has always been out there and he looks to be one of the "three tramps" brought in by questioning on that day but immediately released by the dallas police. those tramps were wearing new shoes and nice clothes which is not what most "tramps" wear.

for those of you who read this blog of mine, you ought to check out the comments from other readers on the posts. there are some really funny people who are responding to me. i have great respect for my fans and hope to never let them down.

a new and terrible form of government.....

on aol today there was article about new evidence showing that there could have been a second gunman at the kennedy assassination and then aol had a poll asking whether you believed oswald was the lone shooter and 80% said "no". count me in that 80 percent. i don't believe oswald fired a shot that day and i know in my heart that no-one could have made those shots from that rifle from that position in that amount of time at that target on that day. when ever anyone, private or government, tried to dublicate those shots in the amount of time they failed. not a single fbi shooter, not a single marine sniper, not a single person has ever been able to do it. when i was in the army, i set the record at fort carson for combat shooting by a recruit, hitting 79 out of 80 pop up targets, using the M-1 of that time. i have been to the book depository and looked at that so-called "sniper's nest" in the window. CAN'T BE DONE!

if you haven't read a lot about the kennedy assassination then you should. let me leave you with this little bit of historical fact:

when jack ruby is being interviewed in the dallas jail by the warren commision people he says to them that he will tell them everything but they must get him out of the dallas jail and bring him to washington because if he stays where he is then he is a dead man. he said he would name names and give them all they needed, just get him out of dallas. the warren commision refused this request! (here is a major player in the biggest thing of the 20th century offering vital information but requesting that he be moved to safety) when they tell him "no", ruby says, "well, a new and terrible form of government has taken over our country and you will never see me alive again." ruby died of a mysterious cancer within a year. and bush is president.

horry, stern and falwell

robert horry's cheap shot is probably going to send the spurs to the nba championship series. i used to have a lot of respect for "big shot bob" from his career in houston and the his time with the lakers. i lived in houston for those two championships and have always followed the lakers. now i am coming to believe the sun's complaints that the spurs are a dirty team.

the rule that was involked that ended up in the suspensions of stoudemire and diaw is a good rule but there has to be some refinements to it. if a player leaves the bench but is restrained by the coaches and never gets involved with what is going on out on the court he should not be suspended. if he breaks away from the coach or pushes him aside, another story. as it appeared to me neither of the spurs players got anywhere close to a spurs player even as horry is using his forearm on another of their team mates. so the spurs lose both their center and his backup (and still almost won last night!) while the spurs lose a guy who is playing very limited, albeit effective, minutes. JUST NOT FAIR! david stern who is part genius and part idiot used his idiot side on this one. his ruling is, more than likely, going to effect the rest of the playoffs and if the suns lose the questions will always be there.....that being said:

my wife kept asking me which team i was for and i always said i wanted the best team to win but now i have to say GO SUNS! would be just perfect if they come back and win the last two games.


so jerry falwell dies and goes up to the pearly gates and hears the worst possible word from God: "WHO?"

three who may not have evolved.

senator sam brownback of kanas, representative tom tancredo of colorado and former governor of arkansas, mike huckabee, all three of whom are running for president of the united states of america have stated publically that they DO NOT "BELIEVE" IN EVOLUTION. based on that little bit of information you probably realize that they are republicans. it also speaks to the intelligence of the people in kansas, colorado and arkansas who elected these idiots to office. evolution is not something you "believe in." it is a fact. that would be like saying you don't believe the earth circles the sun. or that the world is round.

what is equally scary is that not only do these three men believe they are qualified to be president, each of them has supporters who want them to be president. the mind fucking boggles.

more on gas prices

i repeat: when george bush was elected gasoline was $1.46 per gal.

yesterday gasoline prices hit an all time high of 3.07

of the ten states with the lowest gas prices, NINE went republican in the last presidental election.

of the ten states with the highest gas prices, SEVEN went democratic in the last pres. election.

i am sure that is just a coincidence. aren't you?

bush's approval rating is now at 28% and dropping. do i hear the sound of eyes opening?

25 american troops have been killed so far this month. that is 5 per day. bring them home. now. there is no 'WIN" in iraq. there is nothing to win. everything to lose. we don't lose by bringing our boys and girls home. we win by bringing them home. it would not be a military defeat, it would be recognizing a political blunder of the highest order. how many more deaths does it take?

britney, books and boxing

britney spears did a "concert" here last night. the show started an hour and a half late and then she came on stage and lip-synced PARTS of her HITS. stayed on stage for about 30 minutes and left. people paid money for this. you can now make up your own jokes.

the da la hoya-mayweather fight was interesting but not exciting. mayweather is a defense genius along the lines of pernell whitaker or willie pep. when i boxed golden gloves my dad had taught me the "art of self-defense" which is to say, hit but don't get hit. mayweather has that boxing philosphy down to a T. for the boxing purist he is great to watch, for the average fan probably he is dull; nontheless, he won the fight with defense. oscar never landed a really solid punch on mayweathers face anytime in the fight. he may not have ever gotten in a clean body shot as well. the pundits are saying it was a great fight, it wasn't and i wouldn't pay money to see a rematch, but that is just me.

article in today's paper said that 20% of the children under the age of 3 have a tv in their bedroom. when i was in the publishing business my main projects were education books for children. the child who learns to read at an early age is going to do better in school and in life. the child who learns to read at an early age and at the same time learns to interact successfully with other children has a HUGE headstart over any child who didn't learn these two things early. having children stay in their room and watch tv when they are young is tantamount to almost insuring educational and social failure for that child. oh, some will overcome their parents stupidity and laziness and go on to educational success but most will fall behind, be unable to read well and have trouble relating to others. study after study has shown this to be true. i wasn't much of a dad (mostly because i kept getting divorced from their mothers) but the one thing i did do was teach my kids to read way before they went to school. none of my four children has ever had any kind of drug problem and 3 of the four have college degrees and all four are happily married and have successful careers. all six of my grandkids could read before they went to school so i have no worries about their educational future.

people who don't continue reading after reaching adulthood are shortchanging themselves in so many ways. there is never a time when i don't have at least two books going; one some kind of fluff, mysteries and cops and robbers and the other something to improve my mind and give some knowledge that i did not have before. right now i am reading GUNS, GERMS AND STEEL which won the pulitzer prize a couple of years ago. it is the study of how societies formed over the ages. i just finished reading ALL THE KINGS MEN which, if you haven't read it since high school, do so, what a great book!

rhonda and i have been watching tons of movies while she is recuperating (yeah for netflixs) and here are some i would highly recommend: A MAN FOR ALL SEASONS, THE MAN WHO WOULD BE KING, THE INFORMER, BROADWAY DANNY ROSE and MY FAVORITE YEAR all of which we have watched in the last two weeks. we have watched others but none that i would recommend to everybody. incidently, since most of you reading this are comedy fans, BROADWAY DANNY ROSE by woody allen is a comics movie. you will never meet a good comic who does not just love this movie, if you haven't seen it and regardless whether or not you like woody, do yourself a favor and watch it. the opening scene is so right on that it will bring you into the world of comics everywhere. for adventure, THE MAN WHO WOULD BE KING is as good as it gets as far as story goes but then again it is from a kipling story which should tell you a lot. (that is for you who know and have read kipling)

bush or jefferson?

when george w. bush was elected gasoline was $1.46

george bush told us that the iraqi oil reserves would pay for the war and bring gasoline prices down. today gasoline is over $3.00 per gal. and we are spending 8 billion a month in iraq.

in 2000 on the campaign trail george bush was asked about "dictators" his answer is quite reveling: "i think dictatorships are very bad....unless, of course, i am the dictator." and then he laughed. and the press corps following his campaign laughed as well.

george bush says he never reads newspapers.

thomas jefferson said, "were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers or newspapers without a government, i should not hesitate for a moment to prefer the latter."

Well, they are consistant...

you gotta give it to the NRA, they are consistant. in today's paper there was an article where the NRA is against a proposal to deny selling a gun to someone who is on the "TERRORIST WATCH LIST."

NRA spokesman, bubba b. bubbabrain, said, "hell, if the damn government won't let a terrorist buy a gun the next thing you know they won't let mentally disturbed homicidal, suicidal koreans buy a gun either. besides, me and my buddies are much better shots than any abdul who comes along to rape our women and sap our precious bodily fluids." as bubba said this he was stroking the barrel of his gun.


the dallas mavericks had the miami heat down two games to zip in the championship last year and then proceeded to lose the next four in a row. this year they completely collapsed against the warriors. can you say, "CHOKE"?

the warrior fans were just great, it would have been loads of fun being there.

i will be pulling for oscar tonight but if i was going to bet it i would have to go with floyd. have purchased the fight and will watch it here at home with buddies.

am filling in dates so check my schedule.

BILL HICKS AND THE FRENCH CONNECTION

this story takes place at a club in lafayette, louisiana.

we are playing at a motel in a really bizarre room with the audience below us, above us and on both sides. terrible room for comedy.

this part of louisiana is very heavily french cajuns and that is the majority of the crowd.

hicks and i cook up a great gag: bill has brought his pet ferret, neal, with him. neal is beautiful little animal who looks to be very stoned all of the time. neal was one laid back ferret. he just laid there, jim. that is all he did. with class i might add. ferrets are basically a pretty weasel but not mean at all. neal was light colored with a black streak from his nose up over the top of his head.

this is very early in my career and i am the m.c. after the middle has done his set, i go back up supposedly to bring on the headliner. instead i say, "ladies and gentlemen, before i bring up our headliner, bill hicks (bill was unknown at that time), we have a very special treat for you....the most famous comic in all of france is going to be performing next week in new orleans for a large group of french industrialists here for an international convention and he wants to practice part of his routine because it will be done in french and so the only place here in america where they speak french is here in the great city of lafayette." (the crowd goes crazy) i continue to lay it on thick about how famous this man is back in france and all over europe and he is so happy to find french speaking people right here in this great city blah, blah, blah. they are eating it up. i have sold it and they have bought it.

"ladies and gentlemen!!!, direct from paris, france, please welcome MR. NEAL FERRET!! (of course, i pronounce it the french way, 'neal fa-ray') bill walks out on stage, right arm extended in in front and on his arm is neal. mellowed out. his little legs are drooped over bill's arm on both sides so just his body rests on the arm. his face is right on top of bill's hand. bill bows .

bill says, in this horrible caricature of a french accent, "i vood likes to do some im-prsh-ons for you. i vood like to do my im-prsh-on of Mr. T." with this he strokes neal's black streak of hair backwards so that it stands up sort of like a mohawk haircut and says, "I PITY DA FOOL DAT CALLS ME VERMIN!"

the crowd is too stunned to boo and too stupid to laugh.

we were never booked back there.

she married a comic

when a woman has a radical hysterectomy, the first post-operative bowel movement is going to be quite painful since all of the insides have been violated. so, two days ago, rhonda had to face this quite unpleasant and painful ordeal. i ask her if there was anything i could do, but she said no, "just wait outside the door" and if she needed me she would call. soooo, i am outside the door and she is moaning and groaning with pain. it sounds horrible. sooo, i say, "just how long am i going to have to listen to this shit?"

she laughed so hard she almost fell off the stool and i laughed until i cried.