THE KIDS TODAY

we had the Miss America pagent here in vegas and the winner was miss oklahoma. when asked what she wished she could change about herself she did not say a. that she was smarter b. that she knew more languages so she could understand different cultures better c. that she had more compassion in her soul d. that she had more energy so she could do more good in the world. no, none of those, what miss AMERICA would change about herself was to be taller so she COULD SHOW MORE LEG IN THE SWIMSUIT COMPETITION. i can see where that would be important especially if you wanted to be a show girl or a whore. show me some leg, bitch. that's a good girl.

a recent survey of college seniors showed that 85% wanted, as their life goal, to be rich. well, kiddypoos, you are setting yourself up for much disappointment. 1% of the people become rich. but 85% think they are going to be in that 1%. apparently critical thinking was not their major. almost 50% wanted to be famous as well. life goals. rich and famous. yeah, well, welcome to the real world kids. you are going to put in long hard hours for your entire life, will always be in debt, no one outside of your immediate family and friends will know who you are and then you will die. 1% will do otherwise.

i set out to be rich when i got out of prison and made tons of money for the next decade (millions in fact) spent it all and by my late 30's decided that money was not a worthwhile goal for a lifetime. i had a God-given gift of gab and the ability to make people laugh. i could have stayed in the corporate world and maybe have gotten rich but walked away from that to do something that gave me soul-satisfaction. when i started there was not really a way to make a living in comedy but i knew it was what i deep down wanted to do and even more important deep down i knew it was what I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO.

see, i have come to believe that each of us was created to do something. that we all have individual talents. that we all can do something in the overall scheme of things that benefit not only ourselves but mankind as a whole. whether it be a carpenter or a comic, look for what you really like doing, what you really do well, what gives you that "soul-satisfaction" and more than likely that is what your Creator "wants" you to do. put the money aside, if you do what you were created to do you will, to quote the Stones, get what you need. (since that fateful day in late 1982 when i gave it all up and became a comic, i have always managed to get by. never missed a meal, always had a roof over my head, always had a car to get to the gigs. when things got tough something always happened to help me along the way.)

the people whom i know who are happy, in the truest sense of the word, are the people who are doing what they love. may i suggest that to the college seniors. find what you love and do it.

DOGS AND OTHER CLOSE RELATIVES

sir thomas moore dog lost his battle and we had to do the humane thing and put him down. it was a damn shame, he had to go before his time, he was only 9 or maybe ten. that is one of the problems with the pure bred dogs, they are subject to more health problems than the mutts of the world. moore dog was the next to last survivor of my "ranch pack," with only marcus a. dog being left. at one time i had 9 dogs when i lived on a little ranch north of los angeles, all rescued except for che dog the great dane and sir thomas moore dog whom i got from a doberman rescue. when marcus goes, and that won't be long being he is about 15 years old, we are going to get a female dane or dobie for maverick (legend of the west) dog (my two year old fawn male great dane, all 175 pounds of him--the puppy of the house, to have as a playmate. i can't imagine not having a couple of big dogs. put it this way, i don't like to lock my doors. my wife does not have to feel jumpy coming home when i am out of town. and you know that scene in PSYCHO where she is in the shower? you know how sometime when you are home alone and in the shower how that scene comes back to you? that doesn't happen to me or rhonda.

besides,a dog will love you when nobody else does. a dog will always think you are the greatest fucking thing he has ever seen. always. the big dogs, bred for personal protection, will lay down their lives for you. a dog is always ready for a game. they always have a good attitude. a cocker spaniel will chase a ball and bring it back to you until your arm falls off from throwing the ball. a lab will get stoned with you. put a red bandana on a black lab's neck and he looks like he was made to wear it. walk a great dane and a hundred people a day will start conversations with you. (remember this if you are single and have trouble meeting the opposite sex. nothing breaks the ice like a great dane. (so to speak) ((both literally and figuratively))

my son, hudson, has a movie coming out on the 27th of jan. on the family movie channel which, we found out, is not carried on all cable networks. the title of the movie is FAMILY and hudson wrote it. it was his first try at writing a movie. wrote one and sold that little booger. as most of you know, hudson does special effects for the movies and has worked on some blockbusters, titanic for one and fifth element for another. FAMILY has no special effects whatsoever. it is a psychological thriller and is quite good (being a totally unbiased reviewer of course). my son is a very talented man. his wife, molly, is a film editor for A&E' BIOGRAPHY and was up for an emmy last year for a special on STAR WARS. molly is a very talented and beautiful woman. they make a stunning couple if i do say so myself. they have two beautiful boxers dogs and are constantly rescuing dogs and finding owners for them. we all agree that if their is a dog heaven and a people heaven, put us down with the dogs. (or up with the dogs as that is more likely)

so, a bow wow to all of you and let's lift a doggie bisquit for moore dog, he was a good boy.

BUSINESS AS USUAL

have waited a while before writing again. am now in houston, playing what is known among the comics as "don's room," but to the general public as "the laff spot." this is the gig with kenny rogerson.

einstein's theory of what is considered "insane" is when you do the same thing but expect a different result. by that defination, george bush is insane.

...or he has an agenda other than "winning the peace" in iraq. we already did the "surge" thing in baghdad and it didn't work the first two times we tried it. expecting something different this time is, at best, delusional, and, at worst, criminal. we are just putting more american boys and girls in a shooting gallery that is all out civil war. bush can't even get the so-called "president" of iraq to agree on anything. bush says one thing and then el presidente says another and then the white house calls him and the next day he sort of agrees with our el presidente. bullshit, he is never going to allow american soldiers to take on the sadr army because his entire political support rests on that group of shiites and without their vote in parliment he is no longer el preidente. don't you see?

speaking of presidents, the president of iran is almost as unpopular with his people as bush is with the american people. the press doesn't emphasis this enough. the iranians do NOT want war with america. the iranians (persians), as a general rule, want to be FRIENDS WITH AMERICA. the persians do not trust the arabs. the persians are more our natural allies in the middle east than the saudi's or yemans. the president of iran is just a figurehead. people here do not understand that. americans are inclined to believe that the "president" speaks for the country. in iran that is not true. the real head of the government is the "grand ayatollah."

in watergate we learned to "follow the money." in iraq i think the same principle should apply. who are all the companies that are making these billions of dollars we are "spending" in iraq. how many of them have ties to the people in this administration? that is two of the questions that should be being asked.

bush always says, "show me a plan for WINNING in iraq and i will consider it." but you see, the thing of it is, we are NOT GOING TO WIN IN IRAQ. by leaving we are not admitting a "defeat", we are admitting a "mistake." don't you see? there is a huge difference. we made (well, not we THE PEOPLE, but we as a bush led nation) a mistake by invading iraq in the first place. we made another mistake by deciding to occupy iraq in the second place and we made an additional mistake in thinking we are going to get three groups of people (who have hated and killed each other for over a thousand years) to all of a sudden start loving and co-operating with one another. it ain't going to fucking happen, jack! get real. it is time to think rationally about this. get the fuck out of there. say we're sorry about all of this but good-bye. give them some money to steal and a sincere apology and get out of dodge. our stock in the world would skyrocket!

it is cold here in houston and the nights are long. and my mind goes in a thousand different directions. from my country to my dick my thoughts follow no procedures and for sure no inhibitions. some of my thoughts make even me blush. some of them make me cry.

vampire poems on rainy nights
have the puffs, pills and powders
obscured my sight?
or do i see clearer now?

the bankers up against the wall
to pay for their grievous sins
the firing squad one and all
are sighting their rifles in

what would i say in their defense
as one man to another?
forgive them for their offense?
they even fucked their mother.

see, it wasn't personal.
it was just business.

as usual.

RDS

as many of you know, i have lead a multi-careered life; monestary to chain gang to army to high class burglar to prison to corporate world to the stage. i may now add another saga, "medical researcher." Yes, through diligent and long years of study, i have identified a previously un-named disease...(DRUM ROLL PLEASE)....RESTLESS DICK SYNDROME or, as i like to call it, RDS. for many years i thought i was just promiscious, but it turns out i had a very bad case of RDS. i am sorry to report that there is no known cure, other than extreme old age, but with the advent of e.d. drugs, many men will suffer from RDS for their entire lives. side effects can be: inability to keep johnson in his cage and sometimes severe self-beatings by otherwise well-disciplined boyfriends and husbands.