from rhonda to the raiders and points between

rhonda is now at home under my tender care. i get her home and we have two arguments about totally trivial things within the first two hours. it was so strange! we, of course, made up and had a good laugh about it. i imagine it was just all the tension we had both gone through, you know, what with cancer scare and all, major surgery, tight money situation, cancelled gigs, mind altering pain on her part and being scared out of ever-loving minds for the last three months or so. in a way, it was good to just have a couple of arguments about things that mean absolutely nothing. a taste of normal in a way, all couples have little tiffs every now and then, it is part of life with another. on the other hand, rhonda and i both have a certain quality that really helps make a good marriage: the ability to come to the other and say, "i was wrong and i am sorry."

that thought leads me to another: i think one of the problems facing our country is the inability of the republicans to say to themselves and then to others, "i was wrong and i am sorry." americans are a very forgiving group of people, i know this to be true for i have had several "second chances" in my life. (remember, by the time i was 24 i had a criminal record as long as your proverbial arm) we would let it go if only bush and the republicans would have the good sense to say, "we were wrong. there were no weapons of mass destruction there. there was no link between osama bin laden and saadam hussian, iraq was not a threat to us. we are bringing our troops home." because there were no wmd, there was no link, there was no threat. what is so fucking hard about realizing this, how much proof does it take to make them say those words? how much more money do we spend, how many more lives are to be wasted, how much more international capital do we squander before bush and all who follow him can come to their senses, put aside their foolish pride and admit to what all the rest of the world knows, you were wrong? there are plenty of things that need to be addressed in the good old u.s. of a; a health care system that makes insurance companies rich and the rest of us broke. a looming drought that is affecting most of the western part of our country. an educational system that ranks near the bottom of all catagories among the industrialized countries. (we are graduating kids who cannot read and cannot do simple math. trust me, that really narrows your job opportunities.) we have roads that resemble something that has been bombed, hundreds of thousands if not millions of homeless, schools without computers, an immigration policy that is so flawed as to be a joke, two million and counting in our prisons, gangs in our cities, regularatory agencies who are staffed with people who have ties to the very industries that they are supposed to be regulating (see the toxic stuff in the pet food and now livestock food as one glaring example....the fda has become a farce as far as protecting the people from the greedy and criminal) and the list could go on and on and so what are we doing? SPENDING BILLIONS AND BILLIONS IN IRAQ OF WHICH A GOOD PORTION IS JUST FLAT BEING STOLEN! all because no one in the administration can admit THEY WERE WRONG. and by osmosis, the republicans out there who are still supporting bush need to quit being blind, non- thinking followers and use their god-given intelligence to look at facts and not slogans, to let go of their fears and admit, as well, they were wrong. get over it, let's go on to what is important to our country, our children, our way of life and fix those.

(not that little tirade is going to change any minds, people who can't admit they were wrong aren't going to change because of something some obscure comic has to say, but what the hell, i said it anyway.)

the golden state warriors are showing why sports are so darn entertaining and why, to quote, they go ahead and play the game and not just name the winner. the warriors are out-guned, out manned, out hyped and all the other "outs" you can come up with, except for being "out-played." no one gave them a chance against the mighty mavericks but there they are; up 3 games to 1 and looking for all the world like the better TEAM.

opening myself up to much ridicule and possible "i told you so" i have bet the dodgers to win not only the national league pennant but the world series as well. pitching is the difference.

shame about marcus russell being drafted by the raiders. they will ruin his career. they are the worst franchise in the nfl and they have, beyond a doubt, the most rude, violent, drunk and too many times, armed fans in all of sports. the raiders used to be my favorite team in the nfl, that is until i went to a game in oakland. what a bunch of fucking thugs. al davis and the city of oakland should be ashamed.

so there you are folks, my ramblings on this beautiful april morning here in las vegas.

tough cookie of a wife

rhonda is doing fine. the day after the surgery she got up and walked for just a moment. today she walked in the hall. amazing. she is much tougher than i. i would be drinking morphine as if it were water and would not be getting up for anything. she will probably come home this weekend and we will start the recuperation process here at the house. the great dane misses her and is pouting and sulking around. he looks at me accusingly as if i had somehow done away with mama dog.

once again, i want to thank all of you who have expressed your concern. we dodged a bullet on this one.

rhonda update

to quote the doctor, "THE VERY BEST POSSIBLE NEWS! THERE WAS NO CANCER. THERE WERE NO COMPLICATIONS. RHONDA IS GOING TO BE FINE."

i will write more tomorrow. right now i am exhausted and wrung out and hung out to dry and overwhelmed with joy. and gratitude.

we kept the faith,

ron

the mentally ill cho and guns

the wacko, cho, who killed all those people in virginia had been found "mentally ill" by a psychiatric hospital where he had been commited against his will for "bothering two women". (quotes are from washington post) the article also says that the hospital found he was not an "imminent threat" and was released. seems to me that someone who has been declared mentally ill should not be allowed to buy a hand gun. the word, 'imminent,' means 'not right now' but insinuates 'could be later." in other words, they found cho wouldn't go out and be a danger to himself or others at that very time but could be in the future. this should be more than enough to stop the purchase. but no. thanks to the IRA and their cohorts in congress, no problem with cho buying weapons that are for only one use--to kill human beings. nor, thanks to our cowboy president, can anyone sue the gun store owner or the gun manufacturer. (that is a new law passed under the republican administration in, i think, 03.)

for a very well written opinion on guns i would suggest you read ELAYNE BOOSLER'S post on her blog.

she points out that in the war in iraq a little over 3300 american soldiers have been killed since 2003. in that same period 120,000 americans here at home have been killed by gun violence and asks where is the outrage. and that is a good fucking question.

and i say this as a gun owner. i have a WWII german pistol and a russian rifle that i inherited from my dad. i also have another pistol and rifle that i bought when i lived on a farm in the middle of nowhere and we had mojave green rattlesnakes and packs of coyotes on our property.

there are no simple answers to gun violence in america. outlawing guns, as nice and utopian as that may sound, would not work. why? millions of people own guns. 98% of those people are law-abiding citizens who bought a LEGAL piece of property. they don't go out and rob and kill with those guns. would someone suggest that we have a round-up of all those guns? and after watching bush and gang erode our constitution (the second admendment is about militias, regardless of what the NRA says, and that has been upheld by the courts and is understood by anyone who understands the english language. it is in the comma's stupid. so i am not talking about that part of the constitution) i believe the federal government under bush is more dangerous than other internal or external threat. i worry more about bush declaring martial law in 2008 and invalidating any elections than i worry about citizens owning guns.

all of that being said, there must be some kind of serious checking of backgrounds before anyone can buy a hand gun. automatic weapons must be banned and serious penalties for anyone caught with one. anyone buying a gun should be required to take a gun safety course. guns are not toys; they are incredibly dangerous.

guns have been a part of american life since the very beginning of our country. we cannot be compared to japan or any european country because of that history. for most of our history we were an agricultural country and on farms, everyone had a gun. as we moved west, guns went with us, they had to, it was lawless and dangerous country out there and you only had yourself to depend on. so for hundreds of years americans have been armed and you cannot deny that part of our collective history.

until we have an open debate about guns without the shrill voices from the extremes we will have many more columbines and virginia techs. what does it take for us to get serious about gun violence in america? or for that fact, violence in general? and violence by the young. seems that most gun violence is commited by people, usually males, who are under the age of 25. there was a fight at a high school here in las vegas yesterday where one of the "kids" pulled out a gun. one of the first steps we could take is getting the guns out of the hands of kids. when i was young, (god, i sound old) i had many a fight. they were with fists and feet. no one, and i mean no one, used a weapon. somewhere along the line that has changed. violence seems to be part of our culture. from "extreme-fighting" on tv to "shock and awe" on a defenseless country to kids shooting kids violence is everywhere, on the screen, on the tube, on the radio, (on tv, i can say, "i would like to kill that guy" but i cannot say "i would like to fuck that woman." -- one of those statements is an unnatural thought and one is a natural thought. guess which one we ban?)

i don't know the anwers other than we need more fucking and less killing. do you? i would like to hear your thoughts. post comments.

back home

next tuesday, rhonda has her operation. while millions of women over the years have had radical hysterectomies it does not, in any way, dimish the reality that it is major surgery. with the threat of the possibility of cancer in there, the fear factor goes up to the roof. to be honest, rhonda and i are both scared; she more than i but the reason is quite obvious. one of her friends is coming in from the s.f. bay area the day before surgery to lend moral support and one of her friends from bloomington (the woman who is responsible for rhonda and i meeting...but that is another story) is coming after the surgery and staying for a couple of weeks to give us a helping hand. those are FRIENDS.

rhonda and i are trying to get the house in order so people can come over. one of the problems we face is that maverick, the great dane, is not what you would call a "friendly dog." he does not take to strangers hardly at all and will not let people in the house unless i command him to sit and stay. makes people a little nervous having a 175 pound dog growling at them. but on the other hand, when i am out of town i do not worry about someone breaking into the house when rhonda is at work. i told her, "baby, if that dog is there at the front door when you come in, you can rest assured that the house contains no one else." with a protective big dog you don't need house keys.

took the cover off our pool today and got the deck ready for the summer. our pool is 35 feet long, 16 across and 12 feet deep. (with diving board---they don't make 'em like this anymore.)

this post is apparently just blather, sorry to bore you. will keep those who care posted on rhonda. good thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

keep the faith,

ron

Easter, imus and atlantic city

Easter is the main holiday of the christian religion. the celebration of the resurrection. without the resurrection there is no christianity. the power of God being greater than the power of death. that is it, philosophically, in a nut shell.

in order to impress this on our children, here in what is supposedly a "christian" country, we give our children
stuffed yellow rabbits
and tell them
that
the stuffed yellow rabbit
laid
colored
hard boiled
chicken eggs
in the front yard.

do we have a philosophical and theological foundation or fucking what?


and we have easter "sales."

God so loved the world that He gave us his only begotten Son to be tortured and then crucified on a cross.

NOW if HE can that for us
the least we could do for you
is give THIRTY PERCENT OFF
on selected stereos in our stores!

we have ROLLED BACK THE STONE of higher prices!!!!
we have RISEN FROM THE DEAD THE PRICES OF OLD!!!!!!
BECAUSE
we want to SAVE YOUR money.

get it?
savior money.

oh, dem moneychangers in the temple.

happy Easter, everyone.

THE IMUS SHOW.

here we go again. racism raises it's ugly head. sexism comes right along. his excuse is that he was just trying to be funny. to quote the king in one of woody allen's movies, "just not funny!"
(i never can remember which one of the movies it was, but one of his earlier farces. i love woody allen) in my opinion, racism is a cancer eating at our collective national soul. we have to realize that we are all in this together and we will all either make or we all won't. that, to quote dr. martin luther king, jr., "an injustice to one is an injustice to all."

i just watched the tv interview with the rutgers women's basketball team. the average grade point of the team is 3.0. they were well spoken and represented themselves very well. rutgers is hard to get into and even harder to stay in. it has very rigid academic standards. these are bright, intelligent, gifted young women and not deserving of anything other than praise.

we can see in other parts of the world where peoples are divided by hatred, whether it be tribal or religious or national or race. in some countries they haven't learned to get fucking along. we surely do not want that to happen here in america. but racism could do the trick. beware.


ATLANTIC CITY

cold here. so were my cards first day. i had the experience of having bad cards and then playing them poorly. a recipe for losing. which i did.

MY GREAT HOLLYWOOD OPENING

rhonda and i get to los angeles about 4:30 and check into the FARMER'S DAUGHTER hotel, which is right down the street from the theater. the hotel is rather quaint and actually quite nice and we think, "so far, so good." i then meander down to the theater to take some photos before the masses show up. i got an excellent shot of the side of the marquee where it says:

ALL SEATS $3.00!

on the front of the marquee it lists 4 movies, all of which have been out of theaters for months and TOTALLY BAKED wasn't one of them.

the main attraction (other than the 3 dollar seats, that is) seemed to be what took up most of the front signage and it was:

HOME OF THE BIG HOT DOG! (an obvious reference to my dick)

sooo, it is apparent that while this should be fun, it is not going to be a "hollywood" opening. rhonda and i then head on down right at 7 o'clock for the red carpet entrance. the red carpet is about, ohhh, say, 8 feet long and posters for the movie have magically appeared (to be taken right down after we go in) we smooze and i have multiple pictures taken by the 5 photographers who are on hand. after a short wait we go into the theater for the 7:30 showing.....

being L.A., most are fashionably late and so the movie doesn't start until a little after 8.

the lights go down. the screen stays black... but you can hear the first 3 lines of dialogue, the third of which is mine, "you know why you can't get rid of it? it's a WEED!" and then the film stops. we are getting sound, but no picture. they try again and the same thing happens, talk but no show. so to speak. craig shoemaker, the producer and force behind the film, apologizes to the audience and we try again. and again. the audience is getting jittery and i get a big laugh when i say rather loudly, "this!...is a funny fucking movie!" but then, and at long last, PICTURE. and so, the movie starts.

the movie has a plot which is interspersed with stand-up just like i thought. they use a couple of seconds of me, maybe 4 times, in the movie. some from WORLD'S GREATEST DOPE STORY and some from WHY MARIJUANA SHOULD BE LEGAL. the stuff from WGDS is taken out of context and is cut up, so it makes no real sense. the plot is thin but is kinda fun. some of the stand up they use is quite funny, tommy rhodes in particular does a great job. they managed to get in several TITTY SHOTS (nothing like plot, stand-up and titties to make a movie) to give the plot more substance. so to speak. also there are SEVERAL shots of a guy lighting his farts so that flames shoot out of his ass.

my only complaint is that they out and out stole my thomas jefferson quote about marijuana. SOME OF MY FINEST HOURS HAVE BEEN SPENT SITTING ON MY BACK VERANDA, SMOKING HEMP AND OBSERVING AS FAR AS MY EYE CAN SEE. this was printed on the screen and there is a voice "reading it" (i guess for those fans who cannot read) but it is not my voice. they then went on to how many deaths are attributed to cigarettes and alcohol as compared to deaths by marijuana. they use slightly different figures than i do in my act but it was the same sequence. now, how do i know that they stole my quote and did not research it on their own? BECAUSE I HAD CHANGED THAT QUOTE FROM THE ORIGINAL! in his letter to john adams from which i got the quote, jefferson says, "OBSERVING ALL THAT I OWN." since thomas jefferson owned slaves, and I did not ever want to offend any of my Black fans, nor did i want to get into a discussion on slavery at that point in my act, i changed it to "as far as my eye can see." (the quote is for validation of marijuana usage by our founding fathers, not about jefferson per se). if they were going to use my material they should have used my voice in saying it... is my point.

my review of the movie would be a C- and it's most loyal fans will be bevis and butthead types. they bill it as "informational and funny." while some facts about weed are presented, they are not new nor especially "informative." more time is spent on titties than on information. but hey, people go to movies for entertainment, not knowledge. (and nothing is as entertaining to bevis and butthead than titties and fart lighting. " heh-heh-heh, he said titties.")

they are planning on showing this at various colleges and universities around the country (several in indiana, which is odd) but it will probably go straight to dvd from there.

oh, and when i am on screen, every time, part of my body is blurred out. what are they trying to say?

all in all, it was fun.

... and my complaint about the quote is minor, what the fuck do i care? i now have a MOVIE CREDIT. lol. (the farts got more screen time.)

my sincere congratulations to all who got the movie to the screen.

if they approach me about using my material in a dvd i will agree, but only if they use the world's greatest dope story without any editing. (which propably won''t happen). i am a story teller and stories have to be fully fleshed out to be any good and editing strips part of the flesh. (the flesh eating editors strike again.)

and that... is the movie story.

A MOVIE MYSTERY

how is this for a story?

about a year or so ago i filmed a couple of pieces for a NATIONAL LAMPOON movie which was to be titled TOTALLY BAKED. it was to be about marijuana and one of the things i did for the cameras was "world's greatest dope story." i nailed it. afterwards people from nl came up to me and said they were going to use that as the opening of the movie. cool. bu i didn't really believe them because the piece is too long and would take up too much of the movie. as i had understood it the movie was going to have a plot and characters and in addition to that, stand up comedy and so, this was filmed at the improv in LA and a lot of really good comics were there, some of the best in the business. but nonetheless i nailed it. and a lot of them nailed theirs. but whatever, i had laid down, on film, a really good rendition of that piece.

so, every time i would check on the movie, no-one really seemed to know when and even if the movie was going to come out. first it was last fall, then maybe the winter, maybe the sring and after a while i figured it just hadn't panned out for what ever reason. so imagine my surprise when i got an invitation to the premier of the TOTALLY BAKED MOVIE. (no national lampoon is mentioned so somebody may have just taken it over) it is for tomorrow night and according to this email i do have something in the movie. we shall see. rhonda and i are going to l.a. first thing in the morning.

you know, with my resume being what it is and all those things i have done, i could now say, "and got my first movie part when i was 64>" i am just tickled. how ever this all comes out it is going to be another good story.

so, friends and fans, brothers and sisters and others who may have just dropped in, i will keep you posted. stay tuned.

a poker story for the ages

i am in a 10-20 limit game at the mirage when this one happens:

i am on the big blind. the player to my immediate left just cold calls the original ten dollar bet which makes me suspicious because he is such a good player that a. he would not call in first position unless he had a monster hand and b. normally he would raise from that position with a good hand. the player to his left raises to 20 dollars and 5 other players call! it is now back to me, the pot contains 145 dollars. my 10$, 5$ from little blind (folded), 10$ from first caller and 120$ from the raiser and the 5 callers. i now look at my hole cards and they are the ten-eight of clubs, not a good hand but it only costs me another 10$ so i call. the player to my left then re-raises and the player to his left reraises again and everyone calls back to me. so now the pot contains 145 + 20 + 30 + 100 or 295 and it now costs me another 20$ but the pot is so big i have to call so i do. the player to my left then reraises again cpping the betting and everyone calls and so do i. the pot now contains 325 dollars with 8 players each with 40 dollars in plus the 5 dollars from the little blind. and here comes the flop.

7 of clubs, 9 of clubs, jack of clubs. I HAVE FLOPPED THE STONE COLD NUTS! A STRAIGHT FLUSH. no matter what happens from here on out, i cannot be beat. i check. the first bettor bets 10$ and is raised by the next player and i will be damned, everyone calls. i call as does the bettor to my left. now the pot contains 485 dollars.

next card is the ace of diamonds. i check, next player bets 20$ straight into the pot, next player then raises to 40$, next players raises to 60$ and next player raises to 80$ two players fold and by the end of that round we have 6 players who have put another 80$ each into the pot so we are now looking at 965$ in the pot. the last card is the 7 of diamonds making the board:
7c, 9c, jc, Ad, 7d.

i bet, am raised, reraised, reraised, fold, reraised. i call as well as everyone else so we have another 500 in the pot for a total of 1,465 dollars in the pot. here is what everyone had. me straight flush, guy to my left had aces full of 7's, next, nut flush with ace king of clubs, next had 9's full of 7's, next, tens full of 7's and the last guy had FOUR SEVENS! (that guy was counting the money in his head figuring that he was the winner)

the only thing that could have made it better was if i was playing in a room that had a bad beat jackpot.

those kind of hands only happen a couple of times in your life where you have the nuts but a lot of people have really good hands and have to pay you off. lordy, lordy. bring me another one of those.

oh well, got to go find poker game (which, of course, won't be hard) and extract some money from tourists. (hell, they came here to lose anyway)

THE NEWS WE NEED TO HEAR.

with their perfect teeth
and their perfect tan
they tell us all they can
of what
their bosses want us to know

smile so sincere
the news we need to hear

the story that is leading
is the baby who is bleeding
if baby's white, what a sin
if baby's black, there they go again

the channel is oh so clear
with the news we need to hear

we are winning in iraq
the taliban is not coming back

though we are so brave
we need to fear a man in cave
he is plotting our overthrow
don't you know
or haven't you been following
the news on the channel
this is clear?

we know the words to gilligan's theme
not the bill of rights or so it seems
we are guiltly until proven innocent
off to gitmo we are sent
expect the courts to be the fairest?
what are you, some kind of terrorist?

just playing with words instead of my dick on a sunday afternoon.